Thursday, June 22, 2006

Menage a Tois Mis en Scene

So, I totally know about Skinemax, soft core flesh flicks to while the late-night hours away -- why do you think my roommate and I had premium cable channels in college?

But I didn't realize that HBO had jumped on the everything-but-the-creamy-center bandwagon. At least not until this morning, at 2AM, when I was flipping through channels looking for some sort of eighties comedy travesty to lull me to sleep.

Click, some weird british film with a scrappy woman doing a dance.
Click, Skeleton Key, starring Goldie Hawn's mini me, Kate Hudson.
Click, two plastic looking women soaping up each other's naked bodies and moaning.

Whoa. What is this? Passionless girl-on-girl action?

Well, perhaps it's worth investigating.

Turns out, it was an absolute gem of a film. The description, from HBO's Web site:
A prehistoric cavegirl with a penchant for passion finds pleasure in the company of archeologists when she is accidentally transported to the future. Cavegirl Tara leaves her lover Tiko behind when she is warped to modern times via a black hole. When several attractive archeologists find their sexy discovery, passion ensues...and escalates when lustful Tiko makes his way through the black hole as well!

The description, I must say, does not do it justice.

The black hole? Actually a poor CG of a big circle pasted on the picture.

I missed the transport of Tara, the cavegirl, into the future. The scene I stumbled upon was, I guess, the part where the archeologist's girlfriend cleans Tara up in the bathtub, with her tounge. But I did see when Tiko made the leap. He was giant and hairless with huge pecs and long highlighted hair. He was wearing a loincloth and ugh boots. He saw the giant cg circle in the sky and leapt for it.

Then he landed in the future and grunted about. He leaned down, tasted the dirt, and announced, "Tire tracks."

Seriously. Why do they even bother? Does it become more titilating (pardon the turn of phrase)if you half-ass a plot? Or is it for comedy value?

Because it was really, really funny.

And possibly one of the more lonely moments in my life, as I had absolutely no one to riff on it with me.

But, back to the important parts -- so, the archeologists get together and set up their TRS 80 (OUR EQUIPMENT. FOR OUR EXPERIMENTS) in the living room and tell their wives not to disturb them under any circumstances. So the one wife turns to the other wife.

Wife one: "So. What should we do?"
Wife two: "Want to see my new nightie?"


Then the Bikini Cavegirl came downstairs, all clean, with her tats sticking out of her dress.
Wife one: So, this is your cavegirl, eh?
Wife two: Yeah.
Cavegirl: You smell like a summer breeze!
Wife one: Is she calling me a douchebag??

This is amazing writing, people.

Then Tiko the caveman showed up and there were various threesomes in various combinations and various cries of "WOW! AMAZING! PREHISTORIC!"

And then I went to sleep.

So, the point of my story? I just thought you might want to know the keywords to enter into your Tivo.

1 comment:

Mupetblast said...

I remember seeing that too! My only regret is that the neanderthal was too dumb to truly appreciate what he was getting into.