HP Movie Reviews: Classic Art Film

So, Tivo totally did me a solid this weekend by randomly deciding to capture one of the great films o all time.




Patrick Swayze is the "scrawny" bouncer with a heart of gold and a PhD in philosophy from NYU.

The Jeff Healy Band plays The Jeff Healy Band, starring Jeff Healy as that blind guy who sings "Angel Eyes"

And Sam Elliot is super hott. There's something about his grizzled virility that just makes me hopeful.

I'm not sure for what, but it's a sincere emotion.

There are tons of boobs, although not as many as in Showgirls.

There's tons of faux martial arts, including:

- Patrick Swayze doing a verison of tai chi in grey sweatpants, black wrestling Reeboks, and plenty of oil to showcase his hairless upper body
- Lots and lots of bar fights laced with errant high kicks
- During the climax, where Patrick S. fights with the hired thugs of the local redneck mafia, this guy in a chambray button down and a sharktooth necklace does a really complicated routine where he whirls around a cue stick as if he were trying out for color gaurd. (This same dude later delivers one of the best lines in the film. See, Patrick has recently taken a flying leap and tackled the guy while he was driving by on his dirt bike. They're in hand-to-hand combat. The dude has PS in a headlock, his mouth very close to PS's ear, and he says, "I used to FUCK guys like you in PRISON." That's so hott.)

I hadn't seen this film since it came out, when I was, like, 12, and SUPER shocked by a relatively bouncy, graphic scene in the beginning where this couple is copulating energentically in the backroom, standing up. The randy guy keeps slapping this woman's butt and saying, "Baby, I gotta make you a regular thing."

I was pretty sure, during that first screening, they were having anal sex.

I've since learned a lot more about sex, mostly, of course, from watching internet porn.

I now think that it was a more traditional scenario, but it begs the question:

Who let me see that movie when I was 12?

Damn you, Patrick Swayze, for being a preteen heartthrob.

Her name is Casey and she lives in New York

hipsterpit: last night I was talking to my mom about SF
hipsterpit: she was like
hipsterpit: how much will you be making
hipsterpit: I told her
hipsterpit: and she was like
hipsterpit: will that be enough to live there?
hipsterpit: I was like, mom, I'm not moving to dubai
NewYorkCasey: not yet
hipsterpit: so then I talked to her about, like, finding a mover
hipsterpit: and she said
hipsterpit: "So you get to take your stuff?"
hipsterpit: um
hipsterpit: yeah, mom
NewYorkCasey: alcatraz
hipsterpit: they're letting me bring my things with me
hipsterpit: across state lines
NewYorkCasey: even the cat???
hipsterpit: anything I can fit into the cardboard box I'll be living in, I suppose
hipsterpit: and I can have the cat on a string
hipsterpit: with a sign that says, Homeless cat
NewYorkCasey: will fight with cat for food
hipsterpit: there are lots of parks
hipsterpit: will fight with cat for cat food
NewYorkCasey: you'll find a place
NewYorkCasey: with space
NewYorkCasey: and cali sunchine
hipsterpit: I'm not sure what my mom was imaginign tho
NewYorkCasey: I cant believe you are going to live in Cali
hipsterpit: I know
hipsterpit: it's crazy, right?
NewYorkCasey: weird
hipsterpit: ARNOLD IS THE GOV
NewYorkCasey: you'll be all haight and ashbury
hipsterpit: no
hipsterpit: I'll be all
NewYorkCasey: flower child
hipsterpit: public transport
NewYorkCasey: peace love
NewYorkCasey: communal carpool
NewYorkCasey: people in Cali get up at like 4:30am
NewYorkCasey: and go to bed at 9pm
NewYorkCasey: and hike a lot
hipsterpit: yeah, and they're all vegitarians
NewYorkCasey: and eat avacados and grapefruit
hipsterpit: and they all smoke medical marijuana
NewYorkCasey: and get enemas
hipsterpit: and don't drink, except for at juice bars
NewYorkCasey: and have homeless cats
hipsterpit: and do yoga with their homeless cats
NewYorkCasey: and drink like Meg Ryan in When a Man Loves A Woman
hipsterpit: only vodka
NewYorkCasey: vertical vodka bottle
hipsterpit: cannot be detected on the breath
NewYorkCasey: on the street
hipsterpit: and throw eggs at cars
NewYorkCasey: that's hot
hipsterpit: I know
hipsterpit: scorching
NewYorkCasey: at least we'll always have IM
NewYorkCasey: even in SF
hipsterpit: forever and ever, IM.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

Why, I've been in a coma, lying unidentified in a sweltering hospital in Brazil, under a sheet graying with age, with a wrist band that says "Juanita Doe."

When I woke, I had a brief period of temporary amnesia. Unsavory locals led me to believe that I was the daughter of a diplomat, held hostage in exchange for the institution of free tuition at clown colleges across the land.

I was forced to be videotaped blindfolded, yelling "VIVA LA BOZO!"

Eventually, the group realized the futility of this exercise -- as the diplomats cared not about me or red noses.

In the end, I was released into my own recognizance.

I wandered the countryside until, dazed and dehydrated, I stumbled upon a starbucks, ordered a double shot skim iced vanilla latte, and my true identity came back to me in one exhilarating, caffine-induced rush.

Just kidding.

I've been doing that stuff everyone does in December, gifting, and traveling, and hanging out toasting to the providence of the new year.

Also, wrestling with a decision that has now been, finally, made -- Guys, I'm totally moving to San Francisco.

I know! Can you believe it?

They totally have mountains there -- AND OCEANS!

It's kind of a long story -- basically, Fauxinica did a seductive snake dance and entranced me with her wiggling -- all "you should move heerrrreee. . ." and, "Come and woorrrrrk with meeee agaiiin," all the while while fluttering her fingers in a way that was decidedly NOT SPIRIT FINGERS, but kind of similar.

So I went out there, I interviewed with (literally) TWENTY SEVEN of her coworkers. Apparently, they all agreed I indeed spoke English and did not smell too bad, even though I had a cold at the time and was snotting into a tissue throughout the day.

After subsequent backs and forths and searching of my soul and discussions with people who have opionions like "DON'T LEAV ME!" or "YOU SHOULD GO!" and then saying, to hell with it, you only live once, and other such nonsense, I did it.

I accepted the job.

I'm moving.

I'm so scared, y'all, but so excited, too.