Sunday, January 07, 2007

HP Movie Reviews: Classic Art Film

So, Tivo totally did me a solid this weekend by randomly deciding to capture one of the great films o all time.

Patrick Swayze is the "scrawny" bouncer with a heart of gold and a PhD in philosophy from NYU.

The Jeff Healy Band plays The Jeff Healy Band, starring Jeff Healy as that blind guy who sings "Angel Eyes"

And Sam Elliot is super hott. There's something about his grizzled virility that just makes me hopeful.

I'm not sure for what, but it's a sincere emotion.

There are tons of boobs, although not as many as in Showgirls.

There's tons of faux martial arts, including:

- Patrick Swayze doing a verison of tai chi in grey sweatpants, black wrestling Reeboks, and plenty of oil to showcase his hairless upper body
- Lots and lots of bar fights laced with errant high kicks
- During the climax, where Patrick S. fights with the hired thugs of the local redneck mafia, this guy in a chambray button down and a sharktooth necklace does a really complicated routine where he whirls around a cue stick as if he were trying out for color gaurd. (This same dude later delivers one of the best lines in the film. See, Patrick has recently taken a flying leap and tackled the guy while he was driving by on his dirt bike. They're in hand-to-hand combat. The dude has PS in a headlock, his mouth very close to PS's ear, and he says, "I used to FUCK guys like you in PRISON." That's so hott.)

I hadn't seen this film since it came out, when I was, like, 12, and SUPER shocked by a relatively bouncy, graphic scene in the beginning where this couple is copulating energentically in the backroom, standing up. The randy guy keeps slapping this woman's butt and saying, "Baby, I gotta make you a regular thing."

I was pretty sure, during that first screening, they were having anal sex.

I've since learned a lot more about sex, mostly, of course, from watching internet porn.

I now think that it was a more traditional scenario, but it begs the question:

Who let me see that movie when I was 12?

Damn you, Patrick Swayze, for being a preteen heartthrob.


Operative C said...

Patrick Swayze and Mel Gibson were pretty much the same person back in the day. Where is PS now? Is he a radical muslim or something? Does he harbor some sort of racial hatred that only needs a couple drinks to come out? What the hell happened to this guy? Why is he letting Mel steal all the silver-haired limelight?

Anonymous said...

Every time I think about Patrick Swayze, I think of "Donnie Darko" & the kiddie porn.