Thursday, July 26, 2007

PHYSICAL Therapy. . .

This is how I understand it: So, your jaw is composed of two temporomandibular (TMJ) joints, which are the only synovial joints in the human body with an articular disk. Plus? They're the only ones that have to constantly work in harmony with each other. Pretty much any other joint in your body has a certain level of independence.

Not the jaw.

It's totally the conjoined twin of the joint world.

Anyway, true to my character, my TMJ joints seriously just don't get along. The right one is always beating up on the left one, who takes it out on me by popping and being in pain and sometimes the whole mess just locks up altogether.

Totally not fun.

So, I enrolled them in couples therapy.

Okay, actually, what I'm doing is going to a chiropracter twice a week. He basically gives me painful neck and jaw massages, then he takes my head in his hands, tells me to take a deep breath, and then violently twists the hell out of my neck until it pops in a hundred places.

This kind of feels good, to tell the truth.

The first time he did it, he said something like, "I'm going to do an adjustment, now. Don't worry, the chances of paralyzing you are smaller than getting hit by lightning."

How very consoling, thanks.

Overally, I like the guy -- but lately, as we are getting further along in our therapeutic relationship together, he has been revealing little bits and pieces about himself that are . . . interesting. . .

Like, he and his wife have five cats.

Which, not that big of a deal, right? I have a cat, myself!

But then, today, we were chatting about family, damn if I didn't find a big old chunk of beef in the stew that is his life.

Him: Cross your arms in front of your chest and take a breath. (At this point he kind of hugs me and leans on me while he digs his fist in my back until it cracks a few dozen times) Yeah *oof*, I wrote a letter to my mom and told her I needed space.
Me: Why's that?
Him: She's British. Now lie back on the table.
Me: Oh.
Him: In my letter I said she was free to write to me, but she could not call or visit. Now try to relax.
Me: Oh. (CRACK CRACK CRACK)
Him: I know some people think that's harsh. Deep breath. But (he takes one palm against my temple and the other against my jaw on the opposite side of my face) I told her --
Me: AHHH (searing pain)
Him: THEY DON'T MAKE PAMPERS IN ADULT SIZES!

Then he smiled sweetly and gave me some exercises to do to improve my posture.

3 comments:

Baywatch said...

erm, isn't "TMJ joint" redundant?

Baywatch said...

did you tell him that he's wrong, and they're called 'DEPENDS'?

Hipster Pit said...

a. Fuck off.

b. No, I thought it would be a cheap shot.