Monday, October 09, 2006

I'll probably get excommunicated from the family, but, hell.

Since September 1, I have been on 12 planes, and will get on two more tomorrow morning.

I have been to (or through)8 cities and two countries.

I have been to two weddings, but no funerals.

I have played with numerous babies, cooked many meals, laughed a lot, danced a lot, drank a lot, and didn't take nearly enough pictures.

How on earth do people actually work full time? I am fucking busy, people.

Generally, I try not to write posts like this about blood kin, but this is too good.

The first wedding of the month was in West Virginia. Upon my return I wrote the following email to the second wedding's bride-to-be, Sarah:

---------- Message ----------
From: Me
Date: Sep 25, 2006 11:36 AM
Subject: hey
To: Sarah

happy wedding week!

Are you working this week?

So, right, I was thinking of you a lot this weekend at my cousins
wedding. I was thinking that you might want to incorporate some of
these ideas into your wedding:

- for that sense of excitement, try playing some upbeat music as you
introduce the wedding party -- like Eye of the Tiger

- have your cheesy dj (my other cousin's comment "do you think they
have a special catalog for those wedding dj vests?") kick off the
dining portion of the wedding by announcing that whichever side of the
room screams the loudest will get to go to the buffet table first.
then lead the room in a gigantic screaming match.

- invite my dad, who will refuse to leave his dog at home, then sulk
furiously when I tell him "you cannot bring your dog to the wedding."

- serve beer out of a keg -- self-service style

- have some drunk dudes decide it's a good idea to climb to the roof
and then their hysterical girlfriends can stand outside and scream and
people can cry and generally make a scene

- have your drunk, perma-stoned brother as the best man, then give him
a microphone and let him do a speech. End up turning off his
microphone because he's verbally berating the wedding planner.

(apparently, right before his speech, he was pissing in the bathroom
with my other cousin's boyfriend, and he said: 'I don't have a speech,
yet, I'm gonna wing it. how's you're PISSING your life away? HAHA!
Get it!" Then Mike (cousin's boyfriend) came out and reported all so
rachel was able to videotape the speech. I've asked her to upload to
youtube for us.)


I hope to have photographs for posting soon.

I also forgot to mention to her the following exchange at the end of the evening:

Best man is standing next to an older lady, with a napkin tied jauntily around his head. He has his hand resting on the woman's shoulder. She is gazing up at him in annoyance.

I walk up and hear him slurring drunkenly.

Best man: You know you want me to bang your daughter. It would make you so happy.
Me: Uh, hey, what's going on.
Best Man: She totally wants me to bang her daughter.
Me: Do you have a ride home?
Best Man: Yeah! (Points at lady.) She's taking me!



Anonymous said...

That's fucked up. Please let us know when the You Tube video is available though.

Zulu Echo said...

I laughed.

Hipster Pit said...

Then it's aaaaallllll worth it.