Sunday, August 06, 2006
Can You Dehydrate Yourself By Crying?
I've been crying all day, big, unbridled sobs, wrenching, wining, keening, whinging. I've thrown myself dramatically on my bed and couch, variously, crumpling and shaking, managed to work the whole spectrum from silent weeping to explosive outbursts.
I'm exhausted, dried out, wrung out, but not done.
See, someone I really really love, someone I adore and worship and who is beyond divine, my gorgeous, perfect, wise, sweet funny amazing grandmother, is being eaten alive by lung cancer.
I know, right, she's almost, ninety, a brood of children, grandchildren, greatgrandchildren, full life, blah fucking blah blah but I DON'T CARE. I'm pissed.
I want to keep her. Forever. I want her to meet my children, I want her to hold my hand and laugh with me.
I'm not ready. I'll never be ready.
Oh, here I go again. Useless.