Sunday, August 06, 2006

Can You Dehydrate Yourself By Crying?

My tears taste supersalty concentrated, and the area around my eyes is stinging, dry and prickly and hot and wet at the same time. This, too, I attribute to the salt.

I've been crying all day, big, unbridled sobs, wrenching, wining, keening, whinging. I've thrown myself dramatically on my bed and couch, variously, crumpling and shaking, managed to work the whole spectrum from silent weeping to explosive outbursts.

I'm exhausted, dried out, wrung out, but not done.

See, someone I really really love, someone I adore and worship and who is beyond divine, my gorgeous, perfect, wise, sweet funny amazing grandmother, is being eaten alive by lung cancer.

I know, right, she's almost, ninety, a brood of children, grandchildren, greatgrandchildren, full life, blah fucking blah blah but I DON'T CARE. I'm pissed.

I want to keep her. Forever. I want her to meet my children, I want her to hold my hand and laugh with me.

I'm not ready. I'll never be ready.

Oh, here I go again. Useless.

3 comments:

lindsey said...

My condolences.

Sad sucks, but not sad would suck worse.

Anonymous said...

sorry

Liz said...

I actually just returned from my grandfather's funeral and was surprisingly thirsty. So I googled "Can you dehydrate yourself by crying?" and got sent here.
Seeing as I just lost a loved grandparent I can somewhat understand, although he was also almost 90, he died from choking on chinese food.
I never knew him very well, and today I learned more about him than I could have ever imagined, all my cousins who lived down the road form him went up, and told their stories of how they looked up to him and he was so wonderful. I never knew he even had a sense of humor, all I remember is him sitting on his chair sleeping with his book open in front of him.


So what I'm saying is...Appreciate the time you have left, and be thankful that you have a chance to tell her how you'll miss her, as I'm pretty sure my granddad didn't even know who I was.

My many condolences and love

Elizabeth.