Wednesday, August 23, 2006

A Slideshow Of My Own

Disappointed in myself for taking the recent misogynist pap published in Forbes so seriously, I have decided, upon some thought, to publish my own photo essay: Nine Reasons You Should Marry a Career Bitch. Enjoy:

1. She won’t be so clingy if she got something to do. I think this is pretty self-explanatory – send her to the office all day, let her feel important, and she won’t be interrupting you every five minutes with needy whining because she’s bored at home. “Wah, I need to talk to an adult, Wah, I need a raise in my allowance to buy shoes, wahhhhh, pick up the drycleaning on the way home.” Useless.



2. She’ll end up with a major guilt complex. Lisen. Even if she is making more than you, no one has to know it. You can take those checks, buy yourself some golf clubs, and exploit her sense of guilt about not being around for her kids to ensure that she’ll spend the whole weekend with them, cleaning the house, and crying on the phone to her mom instead of nagging you to clean out the garage. The result? Tee time, baby.



3. She’s more likely to order pizza. And let’s face it. You married her for her ass, not her cooking skills. Bring on the pepperoni, baby.




4. She’s less likely to turn your son into a sissy mama’s boy. And that kid is never going to be on the varsity team if he’s still on your stay-at-home wife’s apron strings. Sticking him in daycare gives him a chance to get some guts, so what if the other kids are beating him up, gives him goddamn character. You know what happens to sissy boys. They take theater class in high school and they end up light in their loafers.



5. She’s less likely to make your baby girl into a tragic mess. Women who work have way fewer hours to enter their children in little girl beauty pageants, harping in their weight and various imagined shortcomings, and ultimately turning her into a possible sociopath who is going to end up being one of “those girls” in high school, possibly marring your reputation in the community, or, even worse, banging one of your buddies.




6. She will be more likely to wear high heels. Women who stay at home let themselves go. No sooner are you married than your woman is lying around the house all day in sweatpants and dirty socks. Want a woman to keep wearing those hot black hose and stilettos – send her to the office.



7. She’s less likely to question your “business trips,” if you know what I mean. All you have to do is say, “Baby, you’re a career woman, you know what this is all about.”




8. You might be the one to get something out of the divorce. Hey, if she's making more than you, YOU could be the guy living on alimony. Sweet.


9. She won’t notice you’re a douchebag. She will be too tired from trying to do everything, and deal with you, that she won’t have any time left to notice that she's married an asshole.

49 comments:

Anonymous said...

you are absolutely brilliant! THANK YOU!

Anonymous said...

this is the best article I have read in a long time! I couldn't agree more!
-kick ass executrix

Chris said...

Teehee, that's freakin awesome! Nike work.

Anonymous said...

Right on point, and you turned it out in just a few hours--on a workday! You go, career girl!

Anonymous said...

Well Done!

Scharrera said...

Thank you so much, I too was obsessing over how mysoginistic that damned Forbes piece was!

Anonymous said...

Where did you get that beauty pageant picture?! Scary!

Claire said...

you rule. don't forget that she can bring home office supplies and that you can buy her executive farting machines for christmas instead of jewelry.

Anonymous said...

Maybe all the weenie Forbes writers should marry all the female executives and go die so that they'll stop stealing my pension funds for their Conneticut mansions...

Anonymous said...

oops..Connecticut

Anonymous said...

Um, it's funny how you're outraged by Forbes' "misogynistic pap" considering all the sexist tropes (not to mention the capitalist naivete) in your own little 'subversive' piece that's supposedley rescuing us from sexism.

Newsflash: the push to domesticate isn't the serious threat of heteropatriarchy anymore, read a few feminist books more recent than the feminine mystique and you'll realize you're the threat.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and by the way, I would stop priding yourself on being a hipster if you're concerned about society. Being slavishly and pathetically attentive to fads, counter-fads, superficiality, and aesthetics hasn't helped anyone except profiteers. And, no, you're urban outfitters ironic jesus t-shirt isn't actually sticking it to the christian right. Put down your debit card and pick up a library card. Join a feminist organization.

Hipster Pit said...

Dear anon:

Newsflash: it's not the "push to domesticate" that I'm rallying against, it's the vilification and general blanket condemnation of women who work.



Thanks for reading.

HP

Hipster Pit said...

oh, and also -- a link for you.

Anonymous said...

Ha, LOVE IT.

MartiniCocoa said...

Can you email this to all the women who work at Forbes?

I'm sure they could appreciate the laugh.

yb said...

Thank you! I do need to not take this article too seriously.... Just seriously enough to start a boycot of every advertiser on Forbes.com.

Anonymous said...

complete horse raddish...the point of the man's article was to avoid divorce...yet 7 is edging toward cheating on your spouse (Cheating leads to divorce) and 8 is supposed to comfort you that if you do get divorced you will some extra in the pocket..then again money heals everything especially with women

Maggie said...

You out-gawkered gawker. Fabulous!

Claire said...

sigh. I was wondering who was going to come along and completely suck all the fun once again out of parody. Anonymous is always such a killjoy, no matter what blog s/he's posting on.

Anonymous said...

career woman also like anal sex

...

???

And I hear that all Catholics like a good monte Christo sandwich.

Sweeping generalizations aside, your intended point is...?

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Wonderful!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this! It made me lough which is already a good point for reading it. :-)
I think that Forbes published that article by intention: their point was to generate a dispute like it actually did.

Spiky said...

I like the high-heel pic. You managed to find the least-comfortable-looking high heel in the history of the world.

Anonymous said...

The main problem with this article (beyond the glaring fact that it was purposely provocative)is the lack of hard, empirical data. You really can't make statements like this, without quoting hard, hard, cold facts (not the generic, "studies show", or dropping the name of some silly think-tank). People are more demanding of their articles now, bloggers especially. This may be why many of the articles in TIME, US NEWS, FORBES, MONEY simply suck ass. I possess my own opinions and observations about certain things (and some of you would probably lynch me for them if you knew) but right now, they are simply that: observations and opinions. We, as information hordes are just more-demanding of our journalists. The gravest mistake this tool committed was in his laziness, not his misogony (sp?-you know what I mean). I have an opinion that the divorce rate actually fluctuates when two people have different birth placements (i.e.: a first-born woman and a last-born man have a lower rate of divorce than say two first-born people or two last-born people, et al) i can't prove it, but one day I'd love to research it. The guy screamed FIRE in the public theatre of culture. You just can't do that any longer without explaining where the smokes' coming from. That just makes you a jagoff. And I'm out.

Emily DePrang said...

Can you believe there are people who read Gawker and still can't discern joyful satire when they're directed to it?

Anonymous said...

Word, Jigaword. Husband v. 1.0 got super successful and suddenly could not be bothered to do anything for himself, and made sure everyone realized the world revolved around HIM. I actually got home from work one night at 9 after a hearing and he asked what was for dinner. Traded him for a hotter, less high powered guy who does his own laundry, and I'm glad to make sure he tools around in a BMW and enjoys our large home and international vacations. (And why would I cheat on him? He rocks in bed.)

Anonymous said...

If I wasn't already a married career woman myself, I'd totally marry you.

Anonymous said...

Haha... my god that is funny. I'm glad SOME people on the Internet still have a sense of humor.

T.H. said...

ms hipsterpit,

i followed the link you had at steve gilliard's post. Your post was HI-Larious!

i never knew about your blog. now i have another one to check.

please keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

I think I'm in love.

And not at all surprised that people are reading this post with no sense of humor/irony. Maybe they should check out Amanda's recent post on Pandagon and get with the times.

Kate said...

This is freaking great. Wonderful blog. I am putting you in my RSS reader. Brilliant

Kate said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Unknown said...

Great stuff!

Dr.T said...

You've changed my life. I was so going to marry a woman I could never have an intelligent conversation with, but now I see the error of my ways. Great post!

Robert Green said...

hmm. another fucking article with soft social science statistics misinterpreted, and causation and correlation not separated appropriately. sounds like any "Self" article, or "Elle" or any of them. shit, i used to edit that crap at "17".

i've never understood why women have such utterly horseshit magazines to read, why they buy them etc. i guess it is a sign of (re)gress that now men have the same thing.

FWIW, i married a woman both more successful and better paid than me, and the main change in my life is the incredible amount of pride i can now feel about accomplishments of the significant other in my life. it's really great--an unexpected affirmation of love that strengthens our bond.

whatever, it's just anecdotal, the forbes.com asshole would surely say.

Anonymous said...

Excellent! Though you could have also included that when married to a career woman, the man can sit at home in hiw sweats eating chocolate.
I especially enjoyed the end of the article where he says not to confuse correlations and causation, yet has done just that throughout the entire thing! After all, the correlation between career women and cheating/divorce is possibly due to a career woman having more education and, therefore, being more able to recognize if her husband is a useless twat, much like the author of that article.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

I applaud you!!! I was so enraged by this stupid article, but you have kept me from burning Michael Noer at the stake!

Anonymous said...

awesssoommeee

Anonymous said...

Uhmm...sissy boys are not made by a woman being at home taking care of them. In fact, the opposite actually. Its males being dominated by women who need to lead or put career ahead of them.

Anonymous said...

You know, lesbian types. butches.

GG said...

That was hilarious. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

LMAO I didn't take that article seriously- but I sure have appreciated the creative blog posts it inspired like this one! Hilarious! (Thanks to Single Ma for sharing the link!)

Anonymous said...

great post!!! hehehe you are awesome!!!

BK said...

LOL I so needed this laugh LOL great post.. *thanks to single ma* for sharing this..

anne said...

thank you, thank you, thank you.

Anonymous said...

OMG like, you go girl! GIRL POWER!

Anonymous said...

“**ADDENDUM: You should see the reader forums on the Forbes website. This is why I'm a misandrist. And a misanthrope.”

Please, please do not hate all men! I think it’s a little unfair that you go to a place where you are likely to find sexist men and declare you are a misandrist from that evidence. Most men aren’t like this. It is wrong to generalise.

I could use this page as an excuse to be a misogynist but that would be wrong because there is no excuse for hating all people of a particular group for something they cannot change.

I will never hate or look down upon anyone of a different sex, race, age etc because I take each person on a individual basis. Man or woman, Black or White- it means nothing to me.