Wednesday, August 23, 2006

A Slideshow Of My Own

Disappointed in myself for taking the recent misogynist pap published in Forbes so seriously, I have decided, upon some thought, to publish my own photo essay: Nine Reasons You Should Marry a Career Bitch. Enjoy:

1. She won’t be so clingy if she got something to do. I think this is pretty self-explanatory – send her to the office all day, let her feel important, and she won’t be interrupting you every five minutes with needy whining because she’s bored at home. “Wah, I need to talk to an adult, Wah, I need a raise in my allowance to buy shoes, wahhhhh, pick up the drycleaning on the way home.” Useless.



2. She’ll end up with a major guilt complex. Lisen. Even if she is making more than you, no one has to know it. You can take those checks, buy yourself some golf clubs, and exploit her sense of guilt about not being around for her kids to ensure that she’ll spend the whole weekend with them, cleaning the house, and crying on the phone to her mom instead of nagging you to clean out the garage. The result? Tee time, baby.



3. She’s more likely to order pizza. And let’s face it. You married her for her ass, not her cooking skills. Bring on the pepperoni, baby.




4. She’s less likely to turn your son into a sissy mama’s boy. And that kid is never going to be on the varsity team if he’s still on your stay-at-home wife’s apron strings. Sticking him in daycare gives him a chance to get some guts, so what if the other kids are beating him up, gives him goddamn character. You know what happens to sissy boys. They take theater class in high school and they end up light in their loafers.



5. She’s less likely to make your baby girl into a tragic mess. Women who work have way fewer hours to enter their children in little girl beauty pageants, harping in their weight and various imagined shortcomings, and ultimately turning her into a possible sociopath who is going to end up being one of “those girls” in high school, possibly marring your reputation in the community, or, even worse, banging one of your buddies.




6. She will be more likely to wear high heels. Women who stay at home let themselves go. No sooner are you married than your woman is lying around the house all day in sweatpants and dirty socks. Want a woman to keep wearing those hot black hose and stilettos – send her to the office.



7. She’s less likely to question your “business trips,” if you know what I mean. All you have to do is say, “Baby, you’re a career woman, you know what this is all about.”




8. You might be the one to get something out of the divorce. Hey, if she's making more than you, YOU could be the guy living on alimony. Sweet.


9. She won’t notice you’re a douchebag. She will be too tired from trying to do everything, and deal with you, that she won’t have any time left to notice that she's married an asshole.

62 comments:

Anonymous said...

you are absolutely brilliant! THANK YOU!

Anonymous said...

this is the best article I have read in a long time! I couldn't agree more!
-kick ass executrix

Chris said...

Teehee, that's freakin awesome! Nike work.

Patrice said...

Right on point, and you turned it out in just a few hours--on a workday! You go, career girl!

Anonymous said...

Well Done!

Scharrera said...

Thank you so much, I too was obsessing over how mysoginistic that damned Forbes piece was!

Anonymous said...

Where did you get that beauty pageant picture?! Scary!

Claire said...

you rule. don't forget that she can bring home office supplies and that you can buy her executive farting machines for christmas instead of jewelry.

The Soc. said...

Maybe all the weenie Forbes writers should marry all the female executives and go die so that they'll stop stealing my pension funds for their Conneticut mansions...

The Soc said...

oops..Connecticut

Anonymous said...

Um, it's funny how you're outraged by Forbes' "misogynistic pap" considering all the sexist tropes (not to mention the capitalist naivete) in your own little 'subversive' piece that's supposedley rescuing us from sexism.

Newsflash: the push to domesticate isn't the serious threat of heteropatriarchy anymore, read a few feminist books more recent than the feminine mystique and you'll realize you're the threat.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and by the way, I would stop priding yourself on being a hipster if you're concerned about society. Being slavishly and pathetically attentive to fads, counter-fads, superficiality, and aesthetics hasn't helped anyone except profiteers. And, no, you're urban outfitters ironic jesus t-shirt isn't actually sticking it to the christian right. Put down your debit card and pick up a library card. Join a feminist organization.

Hipster Pit said...

Dear anon:

Newsflash: it's not the "push to domesticate" that I'm rallying against, it's the vilification and general blanket condemnation of women who work.



Thanks for reading.

HP

Hipster Pit said...

oh, and also -- a link for you.

Jill said...

Ha, LOVE IT.

I am not Star Jones said...

Can you email this to all the women who work at Forbes?

I'm sure they could appreciate the laugh.

yb said...

Thank you! I do need to not take this article too seriously.... Just seriously enough to start a boycot of every advertiser on Forbes.com.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Another dumbass skank ranting. How silly.

Anonymous said...

complete horse raddish...the point of the man's article was to avoid divorce...yet 7 is edging toward cheating on your spouse (Cheating leads to divorce) and 8 is supposed to comfort you that if you do get divorced you will some extra in the pocket..then again money heals everything especially with women

Maggie said...

You out-gawkered gawker. Fabulous!

Claire said...

sigh. I was wondering who was going to come along and completely suck all the fun once again out of parody. Anonymous is always such a killjoy, no matter what blog s/he's posting on.

Anonymous said...

career woman also like anal sex

Juliette said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Juliette said...

9. She won’t notice you’re a douchebag.

Nooo, she will notice.

Btw, I liked anonymous' use of the term "horseradish" though he inexplicably spelled it "horse raddish." I haven't heard anyone use that term...well...outside of a black and white television show, which is probably where anonymous got his ideas about marriage (from watching too many reruns of I Love Lucy...) because people don't think like that anymore. Ok, strike that, Michael Noer the Penultimate Douche does, but heaping piles of manure don't really count as a human beings.

**ADDENDUM: You should see the reader forums on the Forbes website. This is why I'm a misandrist. And a misanthrope.

Anonymous said...

career woman also like anal sex

...

???

And I hear that all Catholics like a good monte Christo sandwich.

Sweeping generalizations aside, your intended point is...?

Jigaword said...

Quick question - why is it always the guys choice? Like they are the prize? What about what they offer or what women require? I decided to come up with my requirements.
Why I would not want to marry a douchebag who makes any kind of living in New York City
1) He will most likely be an Ivy League momma's boy with some sort of sense of entitlement and never consider you his equal, case in point douchenbag pussy who wrote the Forbes article
2) If you think you got a nerd, knowing that he's landed you, he'll automatically think he can upgrade and start to chase models who he thinks he has a chance with yet are too stupid to know that he most likely has a tiny dick..i say let them have him - girls!
3) They start loosing their hair way way way much earlier than women.
4) If they had any sort of tight body before they started their career in New York, you can look forward to flat, flabby asses, big guts and man boobs...thus the chances of him taking his shirt off on any of the Northeast beaches and not being an embarrassment as your man is slim to none..but b/c they think they make a few extra $$ it's ok...yeah NO THANKS!!
5) Because we continue to play into this whole societal big picture that they "Men" should have their choice, us women will always be considered some sort of commodity to these douchebags who I would and still NEVER will give the time of day to (alone or not), case in point the douchebag who wrote the forbes article.
6) Most of the guys are hypocritical pussies..You know the douchebag from the forbes article is totally pussy whipped with his gf/wife and cheats on the side, whoever would touch that is a desperate retard
7) Nine times out of ten they have some sort of addiction whether it be alcohol, coke or hookers
8) Has a sloppy house because he's selfish, self-centered and feels entitled to laying around all weekend while he expects you to clean the house, have a job, cook and suck&fuck him - oh what a life can i please marry a New York Man..
9) The percentage of goodlooking women to goodlooking men is 2:1..Yeah NOT ALL of you are HOT and a majority of you carry some sort of STD..keep it in your pants!..please take a look in the mirror..i dont care how much $$ you make, it still doesnt put the hair back on your head - um yeah and hair transplants from your ass 2 your forehead does not work, get rid of the gut and man boobs and tighten your paris hilton flat ass.
You can keep your marriage proposal with your big inflated ego, cheap wallet.. except on the hookers and strip clubs, addicted, fugly piece of doggie do..I'd rather not wake up to your fat, fug, limp penis, bad breathed bald ass...gimme a 25 year old who has stamina, hot body and goes down! That's all I gotta say.. It's not what THEY require..It's what WE require!

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Wonderful!

m├╝zso said...

Thanks for this! It made me lough which is already a good point for reading it. :-)
I think that Forbes published that article by intention: their point was to generate a dispute like it actually did.

Tuffy said...

I like the high-heel pic. You managed to find the least-comfortable-looking high heel in the history of the world.

Anonymous said...

The main problem with this article (beyond the glaring fact that it was purposely provocative)is the lack of hard, empirical data. You really can't make statements like this, without quoting hard, hard, cold facts (not the generic, "studies show", or dropping the name of some silly think-tank). People are more demanding of their articles now, bloggers especially. This may be why many of the articles in TIME, US NEWS, FORBES, MONEY simply suck ass. I possess my own opinions and observations about certain things (and some of you would probably lynch me for them if you knew) but right now, they are simply that: observations and opinions. We, as information hordes are just more-demanding of our journalists. The gravest mistake this tool committed was in his laziness, not his misogony (sp?-you know what I mean). I have an opinion that the divorce rate actually fluctuates when two people have different birth placements (i.e.: a first-born woman and a last-born man have a lower rate of divorce than say two first-born people or two last-born people, et al) i can't prove it, but one day I'd love to research it. The guy screamed FIRE in the public theatre of culture. You just can't do that any longer without explaining where the smokes' coming from. That just makes you a jagoff. And I'm out.

cgg said...

Love it!

PigeonintheSun said...

Can you believe there are people who read Gawker and still can't discern joyful satire when they're directed to it?

Anonymous said...

Word, Jigaword. Husband v. 1.0 got super successful and suddenly could not be bothered to do anything for himself, and made sure everyone realized the world revolved around HIM. I actually got home from work one night at 9 after a hearing and he asked what was for dinner. Traded him for a hotter, less high powered guy who does his own laundry, and I'm glad to make sure he tools around in a BMW and enjoys our large home and international vacations. (And why would I cheat on him? He rocks in bed.)

D said...

There's a rebuttal up on the Forbes website. Interesting. Let's hear it for grassroots, right? Seems like educated, articulate women were heard for a change.

Here's the link - Don't Marry a Lazy Man

lisa said...

If I wasn't already a married career woman myself, I'd totally marry you.

rax said...

Haha... my god that is funny. I'm glad SOME people on the Internet still have a sense of humor.

harry near indy said...

ms hipsterpit,

i followed the link you had at steve gilliard's post. Your post was HI-Larious!

i never knew about your blog. now i have another one to check.

please keep up the good work.

petitpoussin said...

I think I'm in love.

And not at all surprised that people are reading this post with no sense of humor/irony. Maybe they should check out Amanda's recent post on Pandagon and get with the times.

berdawn said...

I agree with the previous poster: if I weren't a married career woman, I'd marry you!

Kate said...

This is freaking great. Wonderful blog. I am putting you in my RSS reader. Brilliant

Kate said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rob Anderson said...

Great stuff!

Dr.T said...

You've changed my life. I was so going to marry a woman I could never have an intelligent conversation with, but now I see the error of my ways. Great post!

Robert Green said...

hmm. another fucking article with soft social science statistics misinterpreted, and causation and correlation not separated appropriately. sounds like any "Self" article, or "Elle" or any of them. shit, i used to edit that crap at "17".

i've never understood why women have such utterly horseshit magazines to read, why they buy them etc. i guess it is a sign of (re)gress that now men have the same thing.

FWIW, i married a woman both more successful and better paid than me, and the main change in my life is the incredible amount of pride i can now feel about accomplishments of the significant other in my life. it's really great--an unexpected affirmation of love that strengthens our bond.

whatever, it's just anecdotal, the forbes.com asshole would surely say.

k o w said...

Best fucking post ever.

MuchAdo said...

There is a serious side to this forbes thing, a true service done to intelligent women. Please, please encourage all men who found this article to be enlightening and important to follow through and do exactly what it said. Once these guys are OUT of the dating pool, it will be that much easier to find the good guys. Darwinian selection at the popular media level.

Anonymous said...

Excellent! Though you could have also included that when married to a career woman, the man can sit at home in hiw sweats eating chocolate.
I especially enjoyed the end of the article where he says not to confuse correlations and causation, yet has done just that throughout the entire thing! After all, the correlation between career women and cheating/divorce is possibly due to a career woman having more education and, therefore, being more able to recognize if her husband is a useless twat, much like the author of that article.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

I applaud you!!! I was so enraged by this stupid article, but you have kept me from burning Michael Noer at the stake!

Folklore Fanatic said...

Marry me, woman!

Seriously, I think we need to point out the "Stiletto Law Of Averages" to every chauvinist we come across in the future. It's no fun dressing up if you're not living dangerously, anyway...

Bird said...

You are fucking hysterical-by the way number 9 is TRUEly brilliant.

AK said...

awesssoommeee

Anonymous said...

Uhmm...sissy boys are not made by a woman being at home taking care of them. In fact, the opposite actually. Its males being dominated by women who need to lead or put career ahead of them.

Anonymous said...

You know, lesbian types. butches.

Anonymous said...

Oh and another thing. Most day care workers ARE women. So I guess he'll keep be sisify by a woman, huh?

The bully would only help him to learn that cruel insecure people exist. They even grown up to write blogs when they are insulted after all they can't hit you.

These mommy wars must stop!

G. said...

That was hilarious. Thanks.

prlinkbiz said...

LMAO I didn't take that article seriously- but I sure have appreciated the creative blog posts it inspired like this one! Hilarious! (Thanks to Single Ma for sharing the link!)

MzNewAgenda said...

great post!!! hehehe you are awesome!!!

Bklyn Diva said...

LOL I so needed this laugh LOL great post.. *thanks to single ma* for sharing this..

anne said...

thank you, thank you, thank you.

shawnisha said...

OMG like, you go girl! GIRL POWER!

Matthew said...

“**ADDENDUM: You should see the reader forums on the Forbes website. This is why I'm a misandrist. And a misanthrope.”

Please, please do not hate all men! I think it’s a little unfair that you go to a place where you are likely to find sexist men and declare you are a misandrist from that evidence. Most men aren’t like this. It is wrong to generalise.

I could use this page as an excuse to be a misogynist but that would be wrong because there is no excuse for hating all people of a particular group for something they cannot change.

I will never hate or look down upon anyone of a different sex, race, age etc because I take each person on a individual basis. Man or woman, Black or White- it means nothing to me.