Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Breaking News: Moronic Edition!

I came across this article recently, while I was on one of my many recent pilgrimages to Southern Indiana.

It wasn’t so much as I was browsing through the Evansville Courier and Press as I just picked up the front page. This was the main lead story at the same time that the supreme court was ruling the Bush wiretapping snafu illegal, the same time that Lebanon was getting pounded into the ground by Israel, the same time that – well, right, you get the picture.

This article shared the front page with another article about local dogs being euthanized and, I think, something about the local high school cafeterias.

I really love a lot of things about this hard-hitting news piece. For example:

Early Monday, the toilet paper (TP) vandals struck again
.

Just in case you aren’t familiar with the vernacular, y’all, TP is short for TOILET PAPER. If you missed that, you may be befuddled throughout the rest of the article. In that case, there is nothing I can do for you.

Complaints about TPing are "few and far between," said Williams. "We do get them periodically, but a lot of times people don't report them because they know it's been done by friends of their kids," he said.


Basically, according to law enforcement, this issue isn’t really an issue. And yet, the article? Goes on.

"And they are obviously not cheap," she said, holding up an empty bag of Quilted Northern, purchased at Schnucks.


Obviously. Only the best toilet paper (TP) for this particular job. If you would like to purchase your own. . . wait a minute. How did she know IT WAS PURCHASED AT SCHNUCKS? I smell a rat.

Although a popular TP cleanup technique, Williams warns people not to light toilet paper on fire to get it out of trees and shrubs.
"I've heard stories about people catching more on fire than they intended," he said.


Ha. Hm. Ha. HA. HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAAAAAA!

The crazy thing is, Evansville, Indiana isn’t a tiny town. It’s not a big city, but it isn’t Mayberry, either. And the locals don’t like that implication. They’re kind of defensive that way. But crap like this is where Americans get the reputation of being absolutely insular, completely blind to what’s going on in the world.

It’s silly, it’s shameful, and, I think, irresponsible to allow the focus of your newspaper to become so pedantic.

But, I digress. Let's get back to the important thing, making fun. Check out this poll:

How much toilet paper does it take to properly TP a two-story home?
8
12
24
More!
None, it's vandalism!



Y’all! “More!” just barely beat out “None, it’s vandalism!” Power to the people!

I hearby nominate this article for Gawker's prestigious Great Moments in Journalism award.

2 comments:

Ruby said...

I would just like to add that growing up in said community I completely misunderstood the term "TP," as it is often not used in print. I thought that people were using the noun "teepee" as a verb...the hoodlums would create a virtual "teepee" out of the trees with all of the T.oilet P.aper... I still don't know who TPed 8644 Framewood Drive.

Mom said...

Ah, yes the Sunday after the TP story made the front page, the lead story on section one page one was about ticks (and not the fun ones, like Turrett's). Blog on, daughter mine.